I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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