Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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