How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sober January is a disaster.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
