ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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