i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
