I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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