We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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