He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
