take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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