She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
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You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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