well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
