My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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