Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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