He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
