I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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