life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Randomize
