Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
