At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
