please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
