I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
