The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
you never un-have a 4some
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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