Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
