Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
