I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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