Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
