They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
