I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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