hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
