there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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