We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
