Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
