Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
