if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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