I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
