I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
