My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
