Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
