I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
