He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
