Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
