Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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