There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
