If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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