Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
