ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Randomize
