"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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