Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
