well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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