After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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