I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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