I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
