all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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