They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
