that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
