Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
