I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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